By Brad Fern
The theory behind dynamic listening is that most people want to be
understood before they will try to understand. Most want to be listened to before they
will listen.
The more you listen, others will be more likely to seek your
advice. Active listeners are more likely to be perceived as wise. If you
spend an hour laughing at someone’s jokes, he’ll walk away thinking that you have a wonderful sense
of humor. If you listen to an individual talk about her own life for an hour,
she is likely to walk away feeling that she knows you.
The Difficult Conversations: Holding Others
Accountable, Negative Feedback
There are many types of difficult conversations. It is impossible
to provide one template to cover them all. However, the formula below offers a
useful guide for holding someone accountable or when some forms of negative
feedback are required.
When initiating tough conversations, leaders often feel pressured
to say all the right things, to control the entire conversation, and to cover
all the bases. The following formula provides some relief from that pressure.
It may seem counter-intuitive, but listening is often the main ingredient when
holding someone accountable or when giving negative feedback.
The outline for the Dynamic Listening Formula is similar to a
written essay outline. Both begin with an introduction, both have a central
body where most of the action happens, and both end with a conclusion.
When using Dynamic Listening, a leader holding someone accountable
should control only the introduction and conclusion. A leader increases her
chances of getting her point across by letting the other individual or
individuals fill
the central body of the conversation.
A mentor of mine taught me this formula decades ago moments before
I was to have a difficult conversation with a very assertive employee. I’ve
used it many times since and adapted it to many different circumstances. It has
served me well. Refer to the following template:
Before the Conversation, Get Very Clear About Your
Desired or Required Outcome.
The Introduction: Keep the
introduction short. State the reasons why you and the other(s) are having the
conversation. Then give a quick explanation of the situation, problem, and
contributing factors. For example:
“Pat, we’re
meeting today because there seems to be issues around your performance on the
team.”
The Central Body: Listen and
let them speak. Invite the other(s) to explain their position or perception.
“You seem to be conflicting with the other members of the team,
Pat. Can you explain to me what’s going on? I want to understand your
perspective.”
Indicate your desire to understand and listen. You must sincerely
want to hear their perspective. If you fake the desire to understand, this
formula may fail. Utilize leading questions. For example:
“What do you think your contribution to the problem might be?”
Resist the temptation to comment or interject your perspective.
Transform your observations into questions.
“You’re
causing a lot of trouble with your behavior, Pat” becomes “Is there anything about your behavior,
Pat, that you think might be contributing to the problem?” or “Why do you think you’re being experienced
by the others this way?”
Listen and then repeat their main points to affirm that you’ve
listened.
“I want to make sure I understand. This is what I heard you say,
________”
Keep actively listening until they’ve said all that they have to
say or until they start to repeat themselves or run out of words. In the end,
if you didn’t get any new information, they will at least feel they’ve been
listened to. This is likely to generate mutual respect even if you deliver bad
news.
The Conclusion: Adapt to the
new information or assert
your desired outcome.
Remember, you entered the meeting knowing the outcome you wanted
or required. During the main part of the conversation, the other(s) may provide
information you didn’t already know. If this is the case, acknowledge that
you’ve received the new information and then change gears. If you haven’t
heard any new information, then express or impose the desired outcome that you
brought with you in the first place.
The most valuable piece of real estate in this type of
conversation is the ending because it’s what both participants will take away.
The second most valuable piece of real estate is the introduction because it
sets the direction of the conversation. As a leader, you want to seize the two
most valuable pieces of real estate.
Give the central body of the conversation to the other(s). Use it
to gather new information to better inform the outcome or – at the very least –
use it to accommodate the other’s need to feel that they have been listened to
and respected. People are more likely to receive information when they feel
respected, even if it’s not what they want to hear.
Brad Fern, MA, LMFT, is a certified Immunity to Change and
certified Leadership Circle profile coach.